This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
What a dumb baby whore.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize