the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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