Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
