First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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