Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think your dad took our porno
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
