i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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