I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
