The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
