I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just gift wrapped bread.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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