shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
