On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
