Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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