I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
