Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
