Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
