My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize