I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
