Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
