farters have to be the big spoon...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
