What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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