Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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