mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I forget how to act sober
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
