I need to stop coming to work sober
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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