you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
how drunk are you?
Several
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
