sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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