i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
