3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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