I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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