We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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