I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
