sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize