The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Everything about him screamed your future.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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