Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
