Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
