My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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