my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
