FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
