He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
