My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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