Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
