you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
