if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
pray to the hookup gods
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
