my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
