We left an ass print on the piano.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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