Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
