if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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