he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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