the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
