We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
