I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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