I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
