:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
