tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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