Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
