at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
