Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
