All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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