So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
