I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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