i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
