I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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