White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize