Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
