i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
