im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You can't just leave with hair like that
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
